Monday, July 4, 2016

by the grace of booze, I hate this holiday

There is a guy at my work who I am absolutely ready to sock in his punchable face. Let's call him Coworker X to avoid any confrontational admittance that could lead to my canning. Confidentiality is a bitch, but hey, that's life. I guess if I get sacked from my $7.65 an hour because I confront the nerves I have about a guy who could potentially harass me in the future, so be it.

Coworker X is truly the coworker in my new work environment who has admittedly unsettled me the most. And I am not a person who is so easily unsettled, as someone who listens to stories of horror in the latter hours of the night, as someone who is fascinated by psychological imbalance in fiction, as someone who is admittedly off kilter myself, I do not find myself so easily freaked.

But boooy, coworker X. This is the exception through & through.

X is of indeterminate age, but older than me at the current time by around 5-10 years if I were to estimate by physicality alone, still living with mommy and daddy and unable to drive due to supposed epilepsey diagnosis. X's social life is about as nonexistent as my own, but considerably such a factoid is creepier given what I allege his age to be. I'm in my late teens, for reference.

Now, that's not necessarily the main component of my suspicion towards the type of person X is, because what unsettles me the most about X isn't environment or what I know of his history, it is his mannerisms.

Although I am certainly far from attracted to that old, gross, short man's appearance. If he eeeever thinks he has a chance with me, he's sorely mistaken. And if he ever tries anything on me, he's getting fended off in the most agonizingly painful way possible for him, whether it be verbal or physical.

X's voice is almost always devoid of any emotional investment whatsoever, yet beneath the dryness, there is always this slight glint of malice that creeps its way through his dialogue that I feel as if can be heard more clearly every time he speaks, and it sends chills up my spine. When I first met X about a month ago, this was not such an issue, but overtime definitely became the defining weirdness to him, and is now about as grating as sandpaper on my eardrums. Secondarily, X's comments. Now, I am a female, and I work at a place where there are other females, but alas, I am a decent enough looking female that I have gotten some complimentary notes from male coworkers, it's not so much of a big deal, and then there's X.

Now I don't know if this is X's own level of social retardation casting through his densely weird as fuck exterior, if I'm overreacting, or if this is actually concerning to anyone else, but X is prone to rather.... ambiguously weird comments.

It's not such an issue seemingly if someone else brings it up, for example, the other day, my flexibiliity, but X's comments somehow manage to make me shudder internally for some apparant reason. What kind of guy in all seriousness would tell you that you have a 'pretty steady or sturdy' or some word of the like figure, without it seeming weird. Yeah. That. Also, he does other seriously weird things like compliment my niceness towards children, even after admitting that I do have disdain for them, and never want to have any. Whether or not his commentary that I find to be weird could be interpreted as flirtation or not, it's still obviously discomforting to me, as I do not like being even slightly advanced on by a guy who I've clearly specified I don't have any interest in.

Hell, the few times I did eat somewhere with him, it was purely out of boredom, and offered to drive his ass home, it was purely because at the time, I was a noobie and the only person to talk to was that phaggot. Now, all I can think is "ew, I'm not touching you, no, I don't want that, get away."

Something about him somehow just screams "ulterior intent". It's mostly contained in the way he speaks and acts, perhaps, as well as the ambigiuty of his commentary, the fact that it seems almost creepily attempted flirting, but isn't precisely, and that's where I begun to draw the line. Unfortunately, like almost every person I too quickly talked to in my lifetime, I told the piece of shit too much personally about my life, and unfortunately, this has resulted in what seems to be my current situation. All I want to do is throw one of my cans at him that comes down my belt and conk him in the fucking temple hard enough to induce an amnesia that spans longer than me. Every other one of my coworkers has flaws I can overlook, because I personally see them as being fairly innocuous in their interaction with me, but with him, I always feel like part of me is being somehow felt up by his eyes or something. It's fucking horrible as hell, I don't know why.

I think either I'm slowly deteriorating to crazy, because nobody else seems to feel this towards him, and nobody else is exactly around that I can confide in, but ten again, I wonder if anyone even has been subject to the same thing, like, has anyone else even eaten or talked to the dude outside work or something? even my father I'm scared to tell, and nothing is overtly being done that I can report. However, personally, you cannot exactly say "fuck off, you fucking cunt, fuck off, do not be my bagger, do not talk to me, do not speak to me, just have a few utterances of what you need done, and if I catch you staring at any of my body parts, I am going to gouge your corneas out of your skull with a melon baller." without being subject to reprimand. Worse come to worse, he was talking to another female coworker of mine, around my age, recently, and she's also very cute, younger than me presumably, possibly underage. With things like that, I do wonder if she'll be okay or start to feel a tad.... uncomfortable.

Either way, X is the brand of man, in all honesty, that I can see slicing up people's throats in their sleep for fun based on what I have seen from him, and acting very, very erratically when rejected. That's why i'm trying to feign ignorance right now. If I do maybe the weirdness will stop. I don't want to feel like I'm crazy for having this discomfort, I don't want to feel like a femnazi again because I'll be accused of overreacting if I tell anyone like my father, I don't want to tell my boss or anyone else, and if there's no escalation and it just continues painfully, what can I do? I drank like a fish for a bit tonight, I didn't want to confront it, I cried in the work bathroom for five minutes before forcing myself to regain composure, I didn't want him to have to be near me again, I was honestly freaked that anything at any moment could escalate to sexual harassment. All I was ever taught in my adolescence by my straw feminist mother is that men were either out to ogle, rape, or maim me somehow, or that they were somehow the most important thing in the world. These days with guys like these, I lean more towards the former. Stalked on MAL and borderline doxxed by some creep from Germany, who purely did it out of lust for nothing but my fucking selfies, and then constantly having him harass me thereafter with attempted justification for his actions, and now the coworker who I can't shake and just want to leave me alone because NO, I AM NOT INTO YOU, I DO NOT LIKE YOU THAT WAY, AND BY GOD DUDE, YOU FUCKING REPULSE ME. Coworker X, kindly fuck off. By the graces of god, I got off a fucking hour early so I didn't have to potentially have another hour of wanting to anvil soda boxes atop his bloody head pretending to be nicer to customers, who I actually do want to give decent service, but not with the distraction of the creepass dwarf standing all but five feet away from me possibly eyeing my tits or ass. Fuck. Can't exactly get him fired now, can I? Can't exactly say "I don't want to talk to you, but you make me feel like you're going to mince me to salami in my sleep if I don't talk to you,, so I keep forcing myself to talk to you, but if I talk to you in the most coarsely rude way possible, perhaps you will fuck offffff".

I'm so sick of internally screaming at myself. If he ever sexually harasses me overtly I'm gonna assure he's fired so promptly that he won't even see another scheduled work day before it happens. Fuck off, X. I've decided you're a nuisance. Leeeeave. Me.... and my underage looking ass, aloooone.

No comments:

Post a Comment