Tuesday, February 9, 2016

I promised I'd smile through the hurt

Is there a moment when you just can't anymore?

I lost the closest thing resembling a close friend to me in the past few weeks, and my reliance on her was greatly leaning on how I generally felt about myself in turn, and it's all rubbish and rubble.

One of the few times since it happened, I cried again today angrily, thrust my hands into the air, heavily breathed at the clogging of my senses by the natural inhibitor of mucus. I wailed on a floor, ended up smacking my head against my steering wheel, and begged a God who I don't even beleive in, but she does, to at least convey some kind of message that I loved, I cared, and I missed her. That I would do anything to get her back. I prayed. I don't fucking pray.

Aka, Elaine, whatever, was so meaningful to me that it was ridiculous, and was one of the most compassionate people i had met online, ever, who helped me emerge from my shell of horrid doubts and crippling embarrassments, and made me feel like I was a possibly okay person. Though our contact was far sparser up until the incident for awhile due to my emotional baggage, every time I talked with her was a delight and I was thoroughly left with a lingering sense of hope and a feeling that maybe I was half as competent as a human being. It was surreally beautiful how much she had in her heart to pardon the lot of my worse behaviors.

I don't know why she was unwillingly dragged into something not involving her, that involved me, let alone one of the involved parties who she seldom?? interacted with, as far as popsci/rokujouchikage goes. My hurtful words should not have involved her being dragged into it, and those words solely were my fault to begin with.

Yes, I was the one who sent popsci a slew of angry and scathing skype messages, containing such wording as "stone cold bitch". I did that on my own accord.

Yes, I've pissed on popsci in the past out of my own vitriol above all else, and that is in no way justified, so I'm just going to come out and say it.

I have very little composure left in me to keep pushing on at this rate with the Durarara fandom as far as the political correctness aspect pans out, and that is an honest to god fact. I cannot properly refer to popsci because popsci will always be emotionally be a woman to me, and that is hard to comprehend to most of you. The only popsci I'd like to think I know is the one from the past before the invasion of the trigger tags and the gratuitous warnings. I do not agree with popsci's sociopolitical views in any way shape or form, nor with the policing I've constantly had spouted at me for "misgendering". There, I said it, now sue me for slander. Popsci is a woman, and will always be a woman, and that's unchanging for me, so she's a she.

That doesn't excuse the fact that I did constantly throw punches at popsci in the past, out of my own vindication no less, and have repeatedly tried to beg her to stay or speak to me when she obviously finds me to be gratingly annoying.

Now I'm pretty sure AkaEl understands there things because I've actually stated them to her. Popsci will always be a girl, I don't believe in this delusional grandeur modern teens and twentysomes are inventing, etcetera. I used my "not liking modern sjw bs" motive as an excuse to belittle popsci for my own satisfaction, and that was a disgusting, grotesque use of something that crossed the line from "I don't agree with you" to "I think you're a fucking useless human so I'm going to belittle you". To be fair, I was off the popsci screaming for a while until I sliced up my legs, and then I went on a tirade out of spite.

That enough admission for ya?

All I want is what I had back, honestly. Not what leaves a sour taste of what could've been in my mouth, not what prickes me and makes me bleed, not what piles me into emotional ruin, but the good aspects. I miss the Akanejima, I miss the Akane Awakusu-Nasujima Takashi, interactions like hell, but it's not even just that, i want my willingness to be happy back, the idea that I don't have to somehow cling to notions of the past that plague me. There are ghosts dangling above my head that I have had much trouble ridding myself of, and exorcizing them by means of therapy doesn't always fully absolve me of that pain.

There is a constant guilt in my gut and the feeling that someone will fault me eventually, that is paranoia, that is disorder, and I thought by now, after no much alteration that i would be able to surpass that. Two years clearly wasn't enough to fully stop me from making mistakes, and mistakes that're apparently considered to be monumental when someone else is trying to force the fall on another for them. That's the thing about El, I don't think if they'd tried not to blame her somehow, we'd still be able to talk, and there wouldn't be so much ache in my heart especially. Nonetheless, it's like, after two years, yes, I have still spewed some nasty things, and that is faulty, that shouldn't be done, and that implies that I've apparently learnt "nothing". No one has any fucking idea that when I was younger I would constantly and consistently destroy things and property with my physical being, how could they? Nobody understood that when I was younger I was literally having episodes where I slit myself up weekly at fucking best, but how could they? Nobody can view me through the camera lens and actually see my past, nobody can peek into my brain?

It's just, all these years have felt so long, grueling, and confusing, and yet I'm constantly told that I am no closer to betterment, and it's painful, it's painful!! And no one can see me behind the scenes scraping walls and counting the days it's been since the last accident.

Nobody sees it all, so why do they judge?

I guess it's in our fucking nature to choke the life out of the other members of our species by means of all being fucking assholes to one another, ourselves included.

I hope someone conveys the message to El that I can't. God, maybe, if he's actually a reliable mean of communication. I can't undo my mistakes, I can't revert myself back to age eight to change my uprbringing and save myself years of turmoil and pain, I can't do anything to alternate what the naysayers new and old already think, and I don't know how to prove myself better. 

I am not weak, nor strong, brittle, nor solid, tangible, nor intangible, pretty nor ugly, I don't know what I am. But I will not rest until I at least get some of my life back.

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