Monday, January 25, 2016

... underneath it all (popsci)

life is just a formality as i know it. it's just one pile of nothingness. i live, and i breathe, and i'm supposed to fuck, then i die. i don't want to procreate, so that's one item crossed off life's useless list.

it's one large contaminated vat of misunderstanding and loud brain jeering. i thought i was doing better, and then i spewed my venom at someone unnecessarily, i was a FUCKING BITCH, and that became exposed to someone else who i was actually connected to somehow, my last connection no less, and tonight, i broke because i lost her. i began weeping in my room, crying my fuckin' eyes out. my father inconveniently arrived at my room door and i couldn't hide things.

he said frankly, when out in the fifty degree weather, that i have difficulty understanding anything fundamentally about reading others, just as i literally have so little connection to myself after years of being ordered around to the point where i felt i was never allowed to establish an identity for my own.

the statement is unfortunately true and only emphasizes it. i heartachingly stagger into the feet of reality. such a statement would generally be used to describe some kind of psychotic.

butI am not. I am not. I'm just seemingly, unquestionably, and situationally, acting as a bad person again, and even though shit in my life is going down, it's inexcusable.

i cursed myself the day i lost my bipolar people meds and was too nerved to call in a fuckin' confession to the psychiatrist. but it's not about the goddamn meds. it's not about the goddamn circumstances behind it. My meds don't always determine or rule me. That's MY JOB. 

it's not about the fact that i was essentially environmentally exposed to and told that violence was somehow rightful, IT'S MY JOB TO NOT FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF MY PREDECESSORS.

it's about what I've done. IT'S ABOUT, WHAT I HAVE DONE.

I have jeered at popsci and treated them like a brain demon for some time now. To an extent, the only remainder of words that are left circulating in my head about this person are generally vulgar ones that have been horribly twisted from the originals to formats intending to tell me "you're being attacked, you're being attacked"- i only recently realized that they were barely even real words, just scraps fragmented and placed together to paint a hideous painting that i want to destroy.

that is not the real popsci, speaking to me in my mind, as much as I was hurt by what was actually said, and my interpretation of it. I have terrified the poor thing into reeling back in submission and wanting to hunker down and scream, based on what are fictional words and MY SCREAMING ABOUT THEM.

I am not overjoyed about whoever leaked this to the friend I ended up losing. I am not about to hunt her down, I will simply say this:

I do not sociopolitically agree with anything popsci churns out and I still think the gender that they?? align themselves with is questionable at worst, a farce at best. I am not up for any more inquires about those things, so do not ask me. Part of my annoyance with popsci is based on my abhorrence towards SJW types as a collective. That does not call for a demonization of a single person or even a collective. Namely it does not excuse harassing popsci.
Obviously, my annoyance with such simple things that are completely separate from personality and generally just not being an ASS, and they should not lead me to aimlessly cry, scream, yell, and do the equivalent of throw temper tantrums in the face of a highly vulnerable young person, no matter how emotionally affected I am at the time, or what in the past has been done. I was a piece of shit to do that.

Is anything we have highly strained? Yes. Yes it is, I have not had the balls to admit it, but I basically begged for them to come sauntering back into my life, and when i was ultimately met with rejection, I broke down completely and started spewing vomit left and right, I cried, I literally had panic attacks on my bed, and that was a gross dynamic. It was gross. It was gross. I do not know exactly how to phrase it. Overall, I was gross. They tried helping, at least, and put forth effort to understand my preexisting conditions. More than I could ever ask for, and that effort is still appreciated. that did not stop me from continually being an ass in the end, and I became erratic at every slight thing I perceived as offensive, and the dynamic became even worse, and probably cost me any minuscule trust left in the relationship. So essentially I did the equivalent of face spitting, and that is

My abominable behavior deservingly cost me a relationship that I spent time developing and trying to rebuild, in both cases. The second was by ommitance, which is still an embodiment of lying. neither of the circumstances at hand somehow stopped me from becoming an emotionally unhinged case, prior to screeching at popsci I'd slit up my legs for reasons I can't really even remember, something episodic, I'm sure, and wrongfully pinned that blame, on them, and not myself, for slitting myself up. It isn't your fault. It's nobody's fault but my own.

I did not lose my boyfriend because of you. He was a treacherous flake and we were doomed from the start. Kindly, but also just as unstable as I was underneath, and a workaholic to boot. It was not destined, and you were no part in him and I deciding to go separate ways. I twisted your words to suit my fantastical delusions and it worked for awhile. As much as I didn't appreciate being told I was a mental issue, it was honestly what I needed to hear. Symptomatic, raw, and dirty, at the time, that's what I was. I'm no pillar of health now. As you can see.

You are at no fault, despite all my qualms, my contained rage, and my hurt. My heart aches thinking of you, but that's not because of what you've done to me, or what you're doing to yourself, it is the ache of what could've been if I had not fucked up.

Grant me a second chance, shame on you, grant me a third, shame on me. Shame on me overall.

You don't have to pile the blame, and I want you to know-- I did care about you, and deep down, through all my spite, I still do. I don't know if what you are feeling or doing is well, or if you are happy, but I become worrisome, and even though your wording is not something I can read without the anxiety creeping up my spine... I cared. I really did.

And it was wrongful to try and convey to you any feelings, including the worse ones, in such a hurtful manner, when i was hellbent on getting you back, to try and regain your trust only to spew it back in the form of "YOU STONE COLD, EMOTIONLESS, AUTOMATON, BITCH". I was born with not much of an innate understanding of the underlying feelings of others, and I have to say that's one of my worse traits, and that's saying something. That did not excuse me completely disregarding your feelings and spitting them back in the form of my own highly twisted ones.

I swallow that rancid pride of mine, I come forth in my indignity, and I admit. I fucked up big. I didn't just fuck up, I was a bully. I was mean. I was crude, and I was unnecessarily mean to someone who I blamed for my problems individually as supposed to anything I DID. IT'S ALL MY FAULT, OKAY?

I'm sick of it. I'm just spurting bad blood everywhere, I can't even differentiate between whose blood it is anymore. I now have nothing left to confide in. Is this blog some kind of equivalent of my fuckin' diary? Sure. I guess it is. I guess it is. I guess now that I fucked up my last relationship tangibly it's time to go back to traditionally howling on my blog.

Girl who cried wolf, I'm not the fuckin' victim.

This is no longer a blame game. This is not a justification, this is just an admittance with a little harping in between. I am not faultless. I am a mess. I am maybe ten steps behind Nasujima, albeit in a different way, having to do with my emotional output. I cannot meld with my muse and take on that madness, and I sure as hell won't, and it's not him as much as me.

I lost Brandon, I lost popsci, I lost Aka, and long before that I lost myself. It is just a game of losses, and now I think I can honestly say I hold myself accountable. I am sorry for treating you, and in the past, others, as my personal punching bag. no one should be recepient to my vitriol aside from myself, on my own.

after two years you think, i would have known how to control myself, and overcome the screwed up normalization that used to plague my mind as a young teenager when i destroyed numerous pieces of property; smashing walls, smashing glass, ripping paper simply, but the honest to god truth is.... it's still not fully controllable. And who is to be held accountable for that other than myself. It's just me. It's meeee here, not you.

You scratched my back, you narrowly caught me and helped me avoid making a decision that could have ensured that I would not be here today, and I felt for the longest time that I had to repay you (scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours), and I never knew how after all miscommunications,  and yet, I was stranded between that and vindication somehow, because I felt you abandoned me. And frankly, it was the same thing that transpired between me and the others, back in 2014.

You can't be my friend, you can't be a relation, you cannot be anything. You are simply a figment of my past, and someone who I need to accept coexistence with, not abhor, not celebrate, just simply coexist alongside. If I cannot do that, I don't deserve to go back to the fandom rightfully.

This is my revival, and I will not let my own idiocy interrupt it. I fucked up, and I will overcome all if it means I can finally acheive peace with myself. The truth is that I rely too much on others for my satisfaction and that gets me nowhere. At one point I used to get off on hurting people, and it gave me power, and now I'm disgusted by waht I somehow still manage to end up doing occasionally when I should be doing it NEVER. I have changed, and I will continue to. I hit a roadblock by going back to an event two years ago and deciding to utilize such brutal, old, pathetic methods, bullying the worst among them.

I am rife with insecurity and live through characters with even worse personalities than my own to try and somehow push aside my flaws. I can no longer just sit here, however, and ignore what is glaringly in front of me. That I'm still so warped somehow two years after. It's surreal and occasional, what i do.... it's so wrongful.

You were a good friend in a short run, popsci, you were a good friend. I do not doubt your capacity as a person, even if you claimed you didn't consider us that. I hope one day you are able to come to secure terms with yourself, and I hope the same for myself. Please, be happy.

Regards, me.
Rattling, over.

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