Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Retch

I don't feel well. I literally just shitted the remainder of my stomach contents into the toilet and now my abdomens sensitive. This isn't sensible and I made some poor decisions tonight.

I wish they'd all stop being so complacent and stuck in their own worlds and I wanna fucking cry because nobody. Nobody. seems to think I'm valid anymore. Like two people. Here I go again on a tirade of self hatred, a tidal wave of fury and depression and despondent anger. 

Doesn't every human being deserve attention. Doesn't everyone?

Then how come, when I act kindly I get none, when I try to placate, I get none, but when I act brashly and spontaneously and my behahvior is poor, I get the attention nobody gives me otherwise?

What the fuck is with that logic HUH?

The world is fucked, or I'm just gradually cascading down the rabbit hole to madness. 

I'm sure my eyes are presently bloodshot and dialated. Not a wink of sleep the day I'm due to return to the educational cesspool. Fuck. I'm screwed. Screweeeed.

Maybe if luck be a lady, that is me, I shall collapse in class. Anything over school. It's becoming so banal and numbing to me. Same shit, every day. 

I'm too intelligent for such trivial high school bullshit, and if I don't graduate next year, you can bet, I will be earning my general equivalency degree, over spending another year in imprisonment. I'm 18. I keep forgetting. It's my decision now. Who let me adult. I'm no adult. I'm not even fucking responsible for myself. My hair's a ratty unkempt thick mess with receding spots- since I've ripped sections out- my teeth are yellowed and ugly, my body's still knobby and yet retains shape and bulbous blobs of fat and sagging stretch marked skin in the wrong places. Who let me adult, I'm incapable of even caring for myself!!!

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