Thursday, January 1, 2015

2 k 1 5

As we usher in 2015 I'd like to thank the people who've helped me be less warped this year and tell the people who've made me worse this year to go fuck themselves up the ass with a reality dildo!!

I have survived to 18 thanks to the former. And also thanks to the latter in a way learned my lesson-  don't fuck with people who can't help themselves, just let them keep making asses and spectacles of themselves until they learn to correct their mistakes, and if they never do, well, you tried. But some are just unfixable as they come!!!

2014 was a rocky year that I'd rather not summarize in wording, 66% of it was horse manure . let me say that. Though. I am glad to say it ended well enough. Of course, I got hella drunk when it did, so I don't remember fully!! I'm a walking public service announcement for easily buzzed teens and how alcohol affects you adversely lol but actually, I had a fun time last night and I'm hoping everyone else did too!! 

let the niceness and harshness commence

thank you:
1 - you sent me a message in response to my suicide note back in mar, and while I don't like your behavior now the fact that you've adapted sj vices and other things, what you did to prevent me from putting a razor to my throat was truly heroic and kind - in spite of my constant qualms that I sent you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to me talk about my mom on Skype and my life and listen to my poorly worded banter. you're a very intelligent young individual and I hope you flourish. 

2 - we've been to hell and back and I occasionally cry about you when I get drunk but I am very glad that you supported me back when you did even slightly and that in spite of all the bs I put you thru you have kept your sanity and levelheadedness. you are beautiful physically and internally and a wonderful writer and I hope you go far. I realize now you weren't trying to hurt me. you were trying to help. I am sorry for torturing you and I hope one day in your heart you find the willfulness to forgive me.

3 - we both had emotionally berating mothers and I was glad to share with you my gripes about mine. please don't see me for what I was in May. you're also an amazing author and I hope you live very prosperously and without regret. I know what it's like living with a mood disorder and you are a hell of a fighter.

4 - you had your moments of anger, but it was understandable. I was a total bully and a manipulative mess to you. I'm so sorry- I wish I could compensate for it all. like the rest you were trying to help  

5 - has stayed with me and skyped with me for longer than anyone, and made me feel less alone. you are so sweet and full of positivity and love. you have brightened my days of bitterness and doubt. you are so articulate and full of wonder and love. don't ever change omfg I love you so much and I love us so much !!

6 - last person I talked to before I deleted my tumblr who was supportive of me on both accounts. you are so nice and you constantly self deprecate but let me tell you this - you don't deserve that, you don't deserve all the bs people have fed you online and off. you don't deserve that. boy ... you need a fucking medal for your kindness.

7 - a certain community - those who've still from it been there for me, thank you for your support.

8 / everyone else - you have been immensely helpful in my recovery. please don't forget about me because I left tumblr or twitter, please don't forget how you have affected me

dad - for allowing me to move in with him and away from my abusive mother, I'd especially like to thank my father for his virtuous attitude. you stopped traveling and essentially left your consulting position for me and that kind of dedication truly exhibits what kind of parent you are. you supported me through all my mental aungish and drama and slapped me with reality deservingly when I began to regress back into my old habits. you are a true parent for being able to put up with my bullshit. please dad don't ever forget what you did for me even if I made the decision to live with you, Please don't ever forget the gratitude I feel. there are so many sentiments I havent expressed but by god i will one day express them all. mom deceived me into thinking you were a poor parent through her endless influx of propaganda and now I realize she was lying after all these years. I forgive you for your mistakes and your leave back when I was in middle school and I'm so sorry I ever doubted you.

fuck yous:
ala people who deserve to be slapped with a reality stick

9 - you are really beyond help. faking having a severe mood disorder for the sake of attention and making up alters in your deluded little cogniscence. your immaturity and disgusting personaltiy truly shines through what you have done to yourself in the past year. I'm not even going to elaborate. the day reality slaps you in your chubby face will be the day I triumph. you need help that I can't give to you and i geninunely hope your parents get it for you instead of telling you to help yourself

10 - another case of mental illness faking who claims to have many disorders that she doesn't and is arguably worse than the above. she's younger and more naive. I hope you realize what you're doing wrong dear and correct it in the next few years because seeing you suffer the way you're suffering just makes me sad. stop cutting yourself and get real help oh my god you're terrifying me and remind me of myself when I was 14 please get help

most of the sj community - this doesn't even need an explanation. majority of yall are fucking vile and don't stand for real rights and real justice please please please stop trying

otherkin - see above oh look at you mental illness faking teenaged brats you really need a nice fucking up the ass with a reality dildo

mom - the biggest fuck you goes out to jennifer, the viper who calls herself a mother. you're really a nasty piece of work, manipulating and abusing me to the point of where I break down and take a blade to my wrists multiple times, something that no child should have to do, ever. you're really dignified, telling a child all the things they should fix about themselves and highlighting their flaws and problems as supposed to offering helpful suggestions as to how to fix them! you're a real piece of fucking work, aren't you? demanding I crawl back and trying to entice me through materialistic bullshit and also an adopted dog. you are so sad and pathetic and through no fault of your own… but at the same time, you have allowed your fucked up mother to penetrate your mind enough that you've essentially become a dilluted and more subtle version of her. You truly hold the cognizant thought thT you're the best person ever and a flawless woman, and let me tell you, mom, you're not. You're loveless at most times and project your feelings of hatred towards yourself and your life unto your offspring and your now ex husband!! you're abusive and vulgar and there is no mystery as to what the root of my anger is and why it is so radiant and still blazes… it is you. So thank you mom, for nothing, except the strength you instilled in me when I was beaten down and decided to finally leave you after all the slits I made to my wrists and all the pills I took to try and off myself and all the attempts I made at trying to die by my own hand. Thank you for making me stronger, but as for the rest? I hope you fucking rot from the inside out knowing what you have done. You should have never procreated and I am living proof of that , but I am here nonetheless. And I will not become as you are sloppy and unwanted painfully denying all the pain I have caused. I will not be like you. 

and that about does it. sorry to be so brief!!

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