Sunday, January 25, 2015

Asocial Justice: Sweet PSA: Dear SJWs

Mental illness isn't normalized. Being abused is not normalized. Being transgender or without a gender is not normalized. These things only affect a marginal portion of the population and should not be considered normalized. What they are plainly and simply are disorder, disease, and defect. Being mentally ill more often than not is inherent or environmentally formed. It is not a choice. Being abused is an environmental thing as well. It is not a choice. Feeling like you've been born in the wrong body is not a choice, being trans or agender is not a choice and one does not simply develop "dysphoria" randomly. These three things and more need to stop being used as accessories by teenagers. Online. We need to stop the misused of words like ableism to describe terms such as "stupid". Demeaning someone's intelligence is not insulting the fact that they have a disorder. 

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Message to the B-I-T-C-H

your little bitch ass has no room to be commenting on me.

Okay„ you want to be mentally sick, it’s clear!! Yes, it’s blatantly clear from what you insinuate that you want to be special because you’re an average height relatively avg weight for Americans (i.e. portly ) and not very good looking (im being nice here). So you want to indulge in a fantasy where you’re something besides droll and boorish, you want to feel special.

Well don’t we just fucking all, you little, stereotypical. teenage. brat. 

look at me look at me, calling attention to yourself, you are no better than the very vacuous white girls you denounce and reject as “allies” in your queer little unreality circle, even if you’re not taking pretentious airbrushed selfies you are very much indulging in the gen z vanity, and whether it’s a different form or not I don’t give a fuck either way. It’s vanity plainly and simply. And we all indulge in it but you my former “friend” are taking it to grotesque levels and literally in the process dehumanizing people who are actually mentally ill and trans. You and all your other transtrending trash friends.

I had been on tumblr but a year and a half or so when I discovered the phenomena and specimen known as agender ninny, and while you at first were but a nuisance you’ve now come full circle round the realm of sanity and delved into otherkin psudeo-pronoun territory. Essentially you started out crazy and you ended up craziER, but I always knew you had it in you to deconstruct yourself to a monstrosity like this because you’re a pathetic little worm who thrives off hurting people and then seeking validation from others because you think those people are the ones who offended and hurt you. And now adding to your piling list of vices your constant pleas of political correctness even if none of the pronouns you use are human ones. It / its is reserved for objects and IMHO? dehumanizing, literal objectification through wording, and one of the worst pronouns for a human I could think of. zie is like. what is zie. are you five. did you mispronounce she and decide to retain your five year old selves speech pattern? it’s infantile and childish, two words that describe you so perfectly.

Putting aside your “identity” and pronouns that required ridiculously long example usage lists you’re mainly dehumanizing people who are officially diagnosed with mood and personality disorders and also dissociative disorders.

I myself was diagnosed bpd in November officially and the two weeks preceding it in which i overstressed to the point of panic attacks, me taking 3 sleeping pills at once and also going on an tirade. It was the worst two fuckin weeks of my life, because I was humiliated and confused over the aspects of bpd itself and what information was real and what was sjws spouting bullshit!! What it made me!! How it only made me a worse person!!! Etc. And in those weeks I had to refrain from telling my shrink and my father and it ate me from the inside out. It ATE ME. It fucking gnawed on my organs and my brain and made my scholastic progress decline til I started falling asleep in class and stopped eating the veery little food I was eating.

If I kept it any longer withheld after about a month I would’ve undoubtedly relapsed. Being 18 I thought that psych probably couldn’t be forced on me so id probably end up committing suicide. For like, the fifth time in 2014!!

Some days I was fickle and thinking maybe being bpd wouldn’t be so bad but my mania would often be accompanied by spells of depression, and soon I began just to see the hope in nothing anymore. I rly wanted to die.

No one to talk to, and nothing to say, little me was wasting away.
At least you have people to talk to, and that alone makes you a more privileged fuck than I.

Yeah, now tell me, if you really feel you are suffering Dissociative Identity Disorder as you keep saying, or NPD, or any other mood disorder. are YOU REally experiencing fluctuations? You also claim to be bpd? You don’t seem to be experiencing ANY of these fluctuations at all. You know I’m not exactly a psych professor but the psychoanalysis of you is simple and plain and written in black and white on a slab of printer paper:

Attention whorism.

You’re imitations of mentally ill people with BPD and other disorders are very convincing to those who don’t see through facades or know squat about psychology, and those who didn’t know you beforehand, when you never at all claimed to be mentally ill and at most, autistic: when you typed like a mature young adult as supposed to a child learning how to type on a desktop keyboard. I can see right through how fucking transparent you are. And so can the rest of the real world.

I’ve been diagnosed depressed since 8 by psychologists and passed around from each one to each one as they tried to dictate throughout my childhood - as a stingy little introvert kid with a demented mind - what the hell I was suffering from. The list they compiled at first ranged from autism to ADHD and all the colorful diseases in between.

My mother started insulting me on a daily or every two day basis - if I was lucky - around that time. But I have a predisposition to depression and a permanent chemical imbalance in my bimbo brain.

I highly doubt you have that same problem, in fact your brain seems to be highly functional in spite of the fact that your typing skills are subpar and childlike.

As for you talking a shitton about your “abuser”?

WHAT abuser?

Abused? Ha. Ha. Ha. HAAHAAAAAA. I laugh at your insolence there. Is it your sister and mom for telling you to snap out of the whole otherkin fantasy? Because. Honey, that’s not fucking abusive, that’s trying to HELP you. And the first couple times you told me off, in hindsight you were right yeah, AND TRYING TO HELP ME, but now I can’t even begin to take you seriously because you have become a joke!!! A joke!!! I can’t believe it. Claiming to be abused for attention and special snowflake brownie points. I am going to fucking cry. My mother berated me for years to the point of where I tried to OD on her pills at 11 y/o for the first time- and you mock that!!! YOU MOCK THAT!!!! by claiming to be abused for extra pizazz and brownie points!!

How. Much. Scraping. At the. Bottom. Of the. Barrel. Can you do??!!! How low can you fucking GO? Clearly lower than this!!! Clearly lower than this even if I can’t imagine you pulling a more atrocious stunt, hyperbolizing a more ludicrous lie!!!

It hurts that I have to tell you these things because you’re clearly suffering a severe case of “mommy and daddy both work and don’t love me boohoo” but acceptance is part of stabilizing yourself again and THAT IS WHAT I WANT ALL OF YOU KIDS tO DO. Being like this isn’t healthy and it PAINS me physically to see this! It pains me, because as a person you used to have so much potential and kind exuberance about you, yet you’ve reduced yourself to bottom sucking scum!!! It pains me because I thought you were smarter than that!! I thought you’d be smart enough to stop perpetuating sj by the time you were older and wiser, but I was wrong, wrong, wrong!! You’re as petty and as immature as ever and it’s painful! Why can’t you just admit to yourself that attention deprivation is the basis for all this? Because you’re getting what you want here!?! This isn’t the real world and never will be!! This is a cesspool full of false and fake entitlement and fictional unhealthy tendency !!! This is a sick place that is clearly only causing you to denounce reality! What you’re getting here isn’t real! It’s from people who’ve never heard you vocalize in real life or have seen your face in person!! It’s not real! It’s not real no matter how much. Realism it seems to possess. It is not reality and I am ashamed that someone can’t distinguish the difference, that all of you can’t distinguish the difference. 

Even I enjoy the fantasy and indulge in my fictional world, but only for an allotted time. I almost accidentally caught myself in the snare that many of you and these other children are entangled in - BUT averted it by mere inches!

Why do you see mental illness as a commodity or necessity to assume your identity here, and why so many of them, including contradictory disorders that’d never irl be diagnosed as coexisting disorders, huh? I’m confused why such fad is is trending and why it’s nearly worshiped. Is it the benefits and the sympathy, the pity and the attention, all of that, keeping you from actually accepting the fact that you’re not mentally ill at all?

What’s wrong with being healthy?

Mental illnesses are some of the most accursed scourges that can be imposed upon a human being, flaws in their brain chemistry that inhibit their functionality indefinitely. They have affected me to the point where I’ll probably never able to be overcome them fully. My bodily view will likely always be skewed and dysmorphic and my sense of identity unsure. My cheer will never reach a peak and I’ll never be fully happy, that’s the lesser of the grim prognosis’ i have in mind for myself. Mental illness is not, i repeat, not something that should be glorified and faked for an attention garnering ploy, or a phase. It’s sick to even think of doing so. It’s so insulting to all my mentally agonizing pain and my warring thoughts and what I have to live with and the pain of those who also suffer from my problems. Very real contradictions and constant mood swings, self hatred and self love coupled, and the feeling that u will never have any comfort in who you are and what you want to be. Living like this is one of the worst ways to live; and yet you act as if it is something celebratory. No . My mental problems are fucking revolting and I don’t want to see them glorified by a young, dumb teen who does not understand the interworkings of actual bpd!!

Stop!!!
I plead you, please please at least take bpd off your “disorder ” list. It’s paining me to have to be grouped in the same camp as you, transtrending scum. It’s paining me physically and making my stomach boil with anger. 

Haven’t you already tortured me enough by purposefully abandoning me and leaving me with crippling trust issues?!! Haven’t you done enough to hurt me because you were offended by what I did and refused to tell me when I asked repeatedly if you were offended? Can’t you at least do one thing for me because for once, I am the one offended here? I’m not going to bow down and kiss your fucking feet because that’s fucking unrealistically gross and you know it, but if you will please please respect my wishes to TAKE BPD OFF YOUR LIST OF “DISORDERS”? It’s not true thAt you have bpd and its fucking insulting to actual people with BPD not limited to me alone, but the rest whom actually are diagnosed, BY A DOCtor, WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER!!!

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Misc notes

I remember when but a year ago, I sounded like a social justice Radfem in my angry callouts to Anti Kpop Fangirl, and in hindsight, I was fucking idiotic for that. It can be laid to rest, I wrote it when i was a misinformed and idiotic hormone driven seventeen year old with little petty problems. I went up against a site unprovoked, and personally, I got what I deserved even if it took a year for reality to stop slapping me upside the head repeatedly.

Of course, I just let it rot because while I know it garners plentiful attention - even after all this time I swear I've had comments as recent as Summer '14 if not Fall '14 posted on it - I wish there was a way to say to the mods of Anti Kpop Fangirl that I am sorry. I just haven't found out how. Majority probably don't recall anyway, but I am sorry. 

See, I'm problematic myself, it's mostly in the past but drama has involved me and others and totally soiled what were once nice little friendships, mainly due to sj bullshit and my own poor behavior causing individuals not want to interact with me.

And I understand it now, i really do, but even so, taking a stand against SJWs is an exhilarating ride. It's kind of nice, actually. I'm really sick of them existing. To be blatantly honest. And I essentially fit the criteria for one of them once!! But even so , even so!!! I am no longer going to dare identify with them…

Asocial Justice #4: nounself and specialized pronouns, weighing in on ihatecispeople

And this is where the English language goes to die. I am sorry to inform you all that it's time to talk about the atrocities to human speech as we know it, namely the english language, since it's the only language that seems to be spoken by and house all the loonies who use these false little pronouns.

Neopronouns, or otherwise specialized pronouns, strictly nounself, are ultimate deconstruction of our language as we know it and a literal butchering of normalized speech.

I can forgive the fact that they're made up, but what really irks me about personalized and special pronouns is that, in the context of the English language, or ANY, pronouns are mere ways of refferring to oneself often by gender.

Now I'm not going to say NB isn't valid, there are some very kind NB tumblr inviduals I have met, though they're far outnumbered by the shitwads. However, whenever any of them start screaming ze/zir or fae/faerself and have to provide an explanation as to its usage, they've gone too far. They is a perfectly acceptable pronoun that can be used singularly and pluraly to identify oneself and their cronies, and I personally think that NB individuals whom use they/them as their standalone or secondary pronouns may actually have a brain cell fluttering inside their cranium.

However, here we get to the deconstruction, that sometimes these people succumb to the assimilation and the pressure of SSS, longhand, Special Snowflake Syndrome.

I from the sidelines watched two people I swore i wrote off as independent and unchangable morph from slight social justice advocates into otherkin mental illness faking brats with personalized pronouns and tiny text font blogs, and coupled those disgusting attributes- lots of pretentious selfies of their frankly ugly faces. Hey, I myself am not the prettiest little girlie and I admit it, but these people are uuuuuuugly. 

From they/them or she/her to the nonsensical zie/zer and the "quirky" fae/fur with the originals sunken to auxiliary, only for whomever SJWs camp under the "nuerodivergent" umbrella (which in my honest and ignorant opinion sounds like a fictional arc of a warped science fiction series). Shelved is the normalcy and there begins the crazy.

If you have to present examples and write sentences showing your pronoun's usage, I am sorry to say, it is not one and should be eradicated from the face of the earth. Here's the thing to begin with.

Pronouns aren't supposed to be personalized in any way, shape or form, they are nondescript and intended for secondary reference of a person. Most pronouns are gender based, though there are a few with neutral ground, and yes, SJWs, one point I will admit is like the remainder of the English language, they're all "made up" themselves. Consider this; what was their intended usage? To be simple words used for secondary identification of a person and an alternative to their given name? Or as accessories and kawaiih desudesu dessuu accessories that are intended to distinguish you FRM ALL DA OTHER PPL U FINK R BOOORING!!!

Yeah, the latter is what you all are using, don't even try to resort to your petty ad ludicrous denial in this, you're doing this to try and be a noncomformer, trendy and hip, but also, UR OWN GENDER N IDENTIT Y WIFF DISSOCIATIONS and all that: meanwhile, I'm kind of on the verge of sobbing in my room with laughter, quaking out of what might be laughter, fright, or both melded. 

You're not following the intended usage of pronouns and the way they are defined grammatically, and pronouns in no way are supposed to contain a combination of noun+self as many do. There's a very notable example in my sweet little anti friend Idislikecispeople's blog, who I've actually sent anon mail to to spite her and watch her cringey responses to me being purposefully mouthy and "SWOOPI ABLEWIST!!!!", which by the way, are hilarious. 

Young idiot Katarina, who i do not feel like respecting enough to call by her "nicknamu", is a ten year old child deprived of mommy and daddy's love trapped in the body of a twenty two year old trans woman who is a disgrace to the actual transgender communities that exist IRL, and their dysorphia. 

Not only did she coin the obnoxious and how widespread "tucute", which claims that trans identies aren't defined always by gender dysorphia, at least, ON TUMBWR, and is also a user of a gross set of pronouns, combining weeb garbage and the nounself hype.

Kitsune + self.
Kitself. Kits. It apparently has four forms instead of four, which defies the very structural element of pronouns themselves and that, they're supposed to have four fucking forms. 

Yes, this is a twenty two year old saying these things. Shes clearly deranged. She's clearly an uneducated child. No linguistics major, probably holds no position of importance in the workplace, if she works at all!! and seems to live off her PayPal money offered to her by the snowflakes whose grubby little pockmarked cheeks are streaming with tears because of her apparent situations, such as supposedly being unable to afford her insulin and whatnot WIFFOUT OTHER PPLS HELPUUU!!!. And they still continue to provide this twat the basic needs to live through PayPal. 

If only PP could ban self pity parties and their fundraisers so that they'd perhaps trudge to the door in their bursting Hot Topic tees - that are prepped to explode and burst into shreds, barely clinging to their obese frames - so that they could work real jobs, in the real world, where internet isn't accessible 24/7 during work hours. Sadly, there's not a way to to so. There no way to coddle the idiots nicely and tell them that they're being scammed, because they'll just refer to me incorrectly as an ableist using one of their listed and supposed  "slurs". 

More on Snowflakey Kitsune:
Claims to be survivor of CSA, is likely faking for attention
Claims to be mentally ill but self diagnosed and claims she'll see a doxor soon. Yeah, that will happen, ten years from.......... NEVER.
Only says occasional redeeming thing about cis people and acts as if we're all scummy scum on the bottom of society's shoe. Reminder that trans people wouldn't be here if cis people didn't ever reproduce in the first place, fuckboy.

Ihatecispeople seems to be either a highly elaborate 4chan prank or an actual person with severe delusions and a mastery of manipulation over teenagers who berates everything that disagrees with her and thrusts the fans into her loving arms, only to squander them and maim them later because they say something out of line. She's like a younger version of my mother and seems not only unstable but abusive as well. Which kind of makes me want to hunt the bitch down and smash my tiny Accord into her house, damaging it maximally, so that thou stuffeth, especially the machine of witchcraft and bullshit that is the computer, shall be destroyed. And along with it perhaps the Wicked Bitch of the Web herself, one of the few SJWs who I've felt as being so irksome that I actually think they deserve to be homicidally murdered for the betterment of the world; alongside my specialkin DID ramblers and the kiddie cutter who seem to also dabbling in insanity and are the farthest thing from healthy, to the point of where they're scaring their own parents and siblings who i can only imagine are appalled by what their once innocent child has become.

Nevertheless, as I said, pronouns aren't terms meant to be personalized, that is what we have NAMES and NICKNAMES for. Our personal identity is our name and does not lie in what pronouns we use, never has, never will. If you need special pronouns to validate your identity, you my friend, are highly deprived of reality and need a dosage of sun, perhaps the scald and the glare in your eyes, will actually help you come to the realization that there's a world besides the enclosed and biased walls of social justice tumblr, that is far more marvelous and bonafide than your hovel of a room that your parents or animals keep telling you to come out of.

Retch

I don't feel well. I literally just shitted the remainder of my stomach contents into the toilet and now my abdomens sensitive. This isn't sensible and I made some poor decisions tonight.

I wish they'd all stop being so complacent and stuck in their own worlds and I wanna fucking cry because nobody. Nobody. seems to think I'm valid anymore. Like two people. Here I go again on a tirade of self hatred, a tidal wave of fury and depression and despondent anger. 

Doesn't every human being deserve attention. Doesn't everyone?

Then how come, when I act kindly I get none, when I try to placate, I get none, but when I act brashly and spontaneously and my behahvior is poor, I get the attention nobody gives me otherwise?

What the fuck is with that logic HUH?

The world is fucked, or I'm just gradually cascading down the rabbit hole to madness. 

I'm sure my eyes are presently bloodshot and dialated. Not a wink of sleep the day I'm due to return to the educational cesspool. Fuck. I'm screwed. Screweeeed.

Maybe if luck be a lady, that is me, I shall collapse in class. Anything over school. It's becoming so banal and numbing to me. Same shit, every day. 

I'm too intelligent for such trivial high school bullshit, and if I don't graduate next year, you can bet, I will be earning my general equivalency degree, over spending another year in imprisonment. I'm 18. I keep forgetting. It's my decision now. Who let me adult. I'm no adult. I'm not even fucking responsible for myself. My hair's a ratty unkempt thick mess with receding spots- since I've ripped sections out- my teeth are yellowed and ugly, my body's still knobby and yet retains shape and bulbous blobs of fat and sagging stretch marked skin in the wrong places. Who let me adult, I'm incapable of even caring for myself!!!

Asocial Justice #3 - Someone else has the same opinion as I…


You, grayface, deserve a medal for these asks!!!

Asocial Justice: Two Types of Self Diagnosis


credit: snowflakegraveyard @ tumblr 

most transtrending underage, uneducated children are excuse #2, and occasionally you'll find some twentysomethings speckled among them.

My father says that special snowflakes often grow up to become pretentious and self indulgent adults, and that once they begin driving, often are among the worst drivers ever- given their mentality that everyone must obey them.

Misc fact: I would say my mother is an adult special snowflake, she seems to think she deserves everything even though she's an infantile little bitch who abuses everything she touches, barring animals or clothing articles. The funny thing is she actually thought of herself as a shitty kid. Who knows, maybe she's just the most overgrown BPD case. She's an abrasive and sad human who'll be alone in her latter life, that's for sure.

Asocial Justice #1: Mental Illness Fakers, and Why They Piss Me Off #actuallybpd #sjws

I spent three crippling weeks contemplating what I was going to do and what I was going to say to my therapist. My mind was an abomination consisting of garbled and shitty tactics and coping mechs and whatnot that I'd tried to teach myself for years. Often, I just sobbed in my bed, nearly drenching my pillow in tears - when either everyone was absent or sleeping. 

I was seriously considering the fact that I likely had Borderline Personality Disorder, after reading its symptoms and criteria from a multitude of sites. But I wasn't sure. Even so, it nagged at me like a diseased piece of food, in my stomach. I thought, oh my fucking god, this shit is interminable, I bet it'll never subside, no wonder I've been such a psychotic bitch in the past few years!! Holy fuck, I am ruined if this is true!!!

And then some days I'd perk up and say, maybe I'll be okay!! 

Constant mood shifts, fear of abandonment and rejection, those are only components of bpd and not what entirely classify the condition itself, but they've been present since my early teens.

I had my tumblr still at the time. And was kind of reliant on the few followers I had to feed my esteem. Of course, after the diagnosis, it all takes a nosedive.

My therapist and I sat, facing each other for a few minutes, before I finally stammered out to her that I thought I had bpd. She said she was proud of me for being able to hold it in for so long, and that she was sorry about her time shortage. I fucking cried.

Next few visits passed, and we finally also had the time to examine the official criteria, which I believe I met slightly above minimal for. But still, I met it. So I had a mood disorder. One could say now that it was official, I couldn't be tortured by it anymore. 

Wrong.

I began to look to bpd people on the always healthy, and by that, I mean, totally mentally upsetting! tumblr, and there I discovered the worst brands of special snowflakes, whom took my mood disorder, as well as others - saying "self diagnosis is real" blAH blah blah, pretending that their prognosis fits their delusional minds because they want to be special- and using them as novelties, coupled alongside things like severe anxiety, and chronic depression, both of which I also have as hindrances on my back!!

These people did not really begin to irk me until I started my Twitter stakeout of the special snowflakes, in which I witnessed my former "friend" whose name shall be simply reduced to A, and their friend, who will be simply reduced to B, faking Dissociative Identity Disorder and using it as a special snowflake attribute alongside customized special snowflake pronouns. The latter is disgusting enough and a complete and corrupt desecration of the gender roles that pronouns present, and the idea that pronouns are not supposed to be personalized. But nonetheless, the former, out of personal experience and aungish i have had for years as a result of being for a very long time, likely undiagnosed, but suffering bpd all the same, is an insult to my struggles.

If there's something I've never taken great pride in, it's my mentality. I'm clingy, petty, and downright crude. I'm vulgar and I don't hesitate to speak my mind. Some days I'm haughty and others I am so disheartened that I squeeze every section of my body and face for assurance that I'm not overweight or heidious , and rip the knots in my hair out from their fuckin' roots. I'm a very messed up person and my backstory is something that very few could have lived through unsatched. So yes, it does incur a certain wrath in me, to see people using mental illness for what are seemingly Special Snowflake Brownie Points, and calling out people for "ableism", which is essentially the condemning of the english language, or as I like to call it, the butchering of the English language by social justice whores, who literally go so far out of their way to say that crazy is a slur towards the mentally ill. Well excuse me, bitches, but I refer to myself as that exact fucking adjective all the fucking time! Calling out people for ableism when they're the exact nuerotypical assholes they hate who are self diagnosed and would never be officially considered mentally ill by any psychiatrist in their right state of mind!!!

Moving on, it is a mockery. A mockery of what I have been through, to see this done. DID is no picnic, and I have known a couple with it. I myself am BPD and have in the past had my share of hallucinations and visions even if rarely, that have interrupted my daily living. I blank out every time I become excruciatingly angry with someone, and when someone asks me about a memory from that time, I often can't remember it. 

I do not like to see dissociations, hallucinations, false trauma, and other stressful and pain inducing life events to be falsified by teenagers who think they're cool, edgy accessories to personality. I am still a teen myself and yet, I stand above these people with eons more maturity and dignity in myself, and also, a crippling amount of self loathing....

 You know what my mental illness is to me? A shame. A fucking shame!! So to see people flaunt it, and having to hold my head high and pretend they don't exist, and aren't giving me a poor reputation among the saner world - or at least the saner side of the internet? It's damn near impossible. I mean, I just sit here, trying to sort out the differences between the reals and the fakes. This entire thing makes me want to break into uncontrolled fuckin' tears.

I've accepted agender kiddies, sighed at neopronouns- let the kids play around with their identity that will be as boring and droll as the rest of their cronies in a few years- and I've even excused otherkin for being loons, but this here is too. Fucking. Far. Faking mental illness!?!!! Faking??!!

You have no idea of what i deal with on a day in day out. A & B have no idea, they seem to pretend to have these alters and full cogniscence of what they do. They acted as if they actually were diseased, all while picking up their pity party decorations and hanging them for their little snowflake friends to come and add to.

Excuse me while I fucking retch at how revolting these little freaks are, and how dehumanizing it is to be lumped with them.

I have no identity, I'm so indecisive that I can't even- these kids have no idea!! These constant fluctuations between cheer and despair?? Yeah, I enjoy those!! Everything I do is totally amazing and should be glorified!

No. It's not. It's like living without living, to the point where I feel every fiber is unravelling from my body and every ounce of energy is drained, so much that I arrive home from school in a daze; I can't even cry, that'd waste my energy reserves- so I instead fall fast asleep to regain the energy that in a few hours after will diminish again. No focus. Constant paranoia. Constant fear. And also, constant pride, constant self loathing and self love. It is the worst way of living, and sometimes, dear fucking god, I wish I were dead.

BPD is not a novelty. DID is not a novelty.  NPD is not a novelty. No personaltiy disorder is a novelty. These are all disorders, all diseases often caused by chemical imbalance in the brain. They are some the worst things that can happen to a human beings mentality. I have what seems to be permenant trust issues, with everyone around me, terrified at the thought of being badmouthed, I have befriended nobody the years I've spent in an independent charter education setting. I am alone, and I am constantly involved in conflict, and at war with myself. Every day is a battle and while some days start grimly and others start with me perky, the draining eventually gets the better of me.

I accepted you all personalizing yourselves to nauseating degrees and heightening your self importance through idiotic fake pronouns that are jokes to the language of English, but the mental illness falsifying has got to cease.

Social justice warriors, hear the cries of a girl who is actually mentally ill. Do not dehumanize the disease I have further through your idiocy, I am already living in petrified fright over what people would think of me if they uncovered my mental history. Do not make the lives of me and the others diagnosed with BPD - officially, who meet criteria as defined by the DSM- more unberable than they already are. Please do yourselves a favor. 

It's hurting me to watch this, the faith i have in humanity dwindles everyday, but this is just plain sad. Go outside, read a book and resort to an activity of enrichment and production. Leave the computer behind for five minutes. If you cannot do that, it is a true testimony to your weakness and inability to interact with the world yourself. To face what is real and leave the Internet behind, for even less than an hour. Reality is a breath of fresh air; and after I deleted my tumblr, I finally for the first time in months emerged from my hovel of ignorance and stupidity. And realized, I don't need this anymore. 

Nonetheless, it has still tormented me in the slightest, a nagging and buzzing fly. This is my way of getting rid of it for good.

If you are self diagnosed mentally ill and actually willing to consult a health professional who can determine whether you have these illnesses, i suggest you do. If you refuse, you're simply joshing yourself, and probably not even mentally ill in the first place. If your anxiety and depression, coupled with these so called "tendencies" you claim to possess as symptoms of (insert severe mental illness here) are enough to interfere with your daily life and inhibit you from certain activity, then perhaps it's a possibility, but, I am very skeptical of self diagnosis under most circumstances, especially through tumblr, since I can not always distinguish the filthy lies from the half truths. If none of these problems you possess interrupt the flow of events in your life, then I am sorry to say, you're fucking lying to yourself. Stop perpetuating the excuse that you cannot afford it. If you claim to be a middle class teenager (the majority of social justice twits do), I am sure your well off parents can afford and shell out enough for a measly, measly!!! psych evaluation. God knows, it'll be less than my father spends on my therapy each visit, the therapy visits that my insurance will never cover fully!

I am an abuse survivor, diagnosed with BPD, clinical depression, and general anxiety disorder, and I have for once spoken my mind. I will NOT be mocked by children with no knowledge or understanding as to these conditions, and I will take a stand against them identifying as such. 

Stop it. Stop it. Motherfucking STOP IT!!!


Sunday, January 4, 2015

psa;; i now have an insta

probably the only account of mine I will actually invite everyone to join and look at 

@ seiyakanye

Thursday, January 1, 2015

2 k 1 5

As we usher in 2015 I'd like to thank the people who've helped me be less warped this year and tell the people who've made me worse this year to go fuck themselves up the ass with a reality dildo!!

I have survived to 18 thanks to the former. And also thanks to the latter in a way learned my lesson-  don't fuck with people who can't help themselves, just let them keep making asses and spectacles of themselves until they learn to correct their mistakes, and if they never do, well, you tried. But some are just unfixable as they come!!!

2014 was a rocky year that I'd rather not summarize in wording, 66% of it was horse manure . let me say that. Though. I am glad to say it ended well enough. Of course, I got hella drunk when it did, so I don't remember fully!! I'm a walking public service announcement for easily buzzed teens and how alcohol affects you adversely lol but actually, I had a fun time last night and I'm hoping everyone else did too!! 

let the niceness and harshness commence

thank you:
1 - you sent me a message in response to my suicide note back in mar, and while I don't like your behavior now the fact that you've adapted sj vices and other things, what you did to prevent me from putting a razor to my throat was truly heroic and kind - in spite of my constant qualms that I sent you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to me talk about my mom on Skype and my life and listen to my poorly worded banter. you're a very intelligent young individual and I hope you flourish. 

2 - we've been to hell and back and I occasionally cry about you when I get drunk but I am very glad that you supported me back when you did even slightly and that in spite of all the bs I put you thru you have kept your sanity and levelheadedness. you are beautiful physically and internally and a wonderful writer and I hope you go far. I realize now you weren't trying to hurt me. you were trying to help. I am sorry for torturing you and I hope one day in your heart you find the willfulness to forgive me.

3 - we both had emotionally berating mothers and I was glad to share with you my gripes about mine. please don't see me for what I was in May. you're also an amazing author and I hope you live very prosperously and without regret. I know what it's like living with a mood disorder and you are a hell of a fighter.

4 - you had your moments of anger, but it was understandable. I was a total bully and a manipulative mess to you. I'm so sorry- I wish I could compensate for it all. like the rest you were trying to help  

5 - has stayed with me and skyped with me for longer than anyone, and made me feel less alone. you are so sweet and full of positivity and love. you have brightened my days of bitterness and doubt. you are so articulate and full of wonder and love. don't ever change omfg I love you so much and I love us so much !!

6 - last person I talked to before I deleted my tumblr who was supportive of me on both accounts. you are so nice and you constantly self deprecate but let me tell you this - you don't deserve that, you don't deserve all the bs people have fed you online and off. you don't deserve that. boy ... you need a fucking medal for your kindness.

7 - a certain community - those who've still from it been there for me, thank you for your support.

8 / everyone else - you have been immensely helpful in my recovery. please don't forget about me because I left tumblr or twitter, please don't forget how you have affected me

dad - for allowing me to move in with him and away from my abusive mother, I'd especially like to thank my father for his virtuous attitude. you stopped traveling and essentially left your consulting position for me and that kind of dedication truly exhibits what kind of parent you are. you supported me through all my mental aungish and drama and slapped me with reality deservingly when I began to regress back into my old habits. you are a true parent for being able to put up with my bullshit. please dad don't ever forget what you did for me even if I made the decision to live with you, Please don't ever forget the gratitude I feel. there are so many sentiments I havent expressed but by god i will one day express them all. mom deceived me into thinking you were a poor parent through her endless influx of propaganda and now I realize she was lying after all these years. I forgive you for your mistakes and your leave back when I was in middle school and I'm so sorry I ever doubted you.

fuck yous:
ala people who deserve to be slapped with a reality stick

9 - you are really beyond help. faking having a severe mood disorder for the sake of attention and making up alters in your deluded little cogniscence. your immaturity and disgusting personaltiy truly shines through what you have done to yourself in the past year. I'm not even going to elaborate. the day reality slaps you in your chubby face will be the day I triumph. you need help that I can't give to you and i geninunely hope your parents get it for you instead of telling you to help yourself

10 - another case of mental illness faking who claims to have many disorders that she doesn't and is arguably worse than the above. she's younger and more naive. I hope you realize what you're doing wrong dear and correct it in the next few years because seeing you suffer the way you're suffering just makes me sad. stop cutting yourself and get real help oh my god you're terrifying me and remind me of myself when I was 14 please get help

most of the sj community - this doesn't even need an explanation. majority of yall are fucking vile and don't stand for real rights and real justice please please please stop trying

otherkin - see above oh look at you mental illness faking teenaged brats you really need a nice fucking up the ass with a reality dildo

mom - the biggest fuck you goes out to jennifer, the viper who calls herself a mother. you're really a nasty piece of work, manipulating and abusing me to the point of where I break down and take a blade to my wrists multiple times, something that no child should have to do, ever. you're really dignified, telling a child all the things they should fix about themselves and highlighting their flaws and problems as supposed to offering helpful suggestions as to how to fix them! you're a real piece of fucking work, aren't you? demanding I crawl back and trying to entice me through materialistic bullshit and also an adopted dog. you are so sad and pathetic and through no fault of your own… but at the same time, you have allowed your fucked up mother to penetrate your mind enough that you've essentially become a dilluted and more subtle version of her. You truly hold the cognizant thought thT you're the best person ever and a flawless woman, and let me tell you, mom, you're not. You're loveless at most times and project your feelings of hatred towards yourself and your life unto your offspring and your now ex husband!! you're abusive and vulgar and there is no mystery as to what the root of my anger is and why it is so radiant and still blazes… it is you. So thank you mom, for nothing, except the strength you instilled in me when I was beaten down and decided to finally leave you after all the slits I made to my wrists and all the pills I took to try and off myself and all the attempts I made at trying to die by my own hand. Thank you for making me stronger, but as for the rest? I hope you fucking rot from the inside out knowing what you have done. You should have never procreated and I am living proof of that , but I am here nonetheless. And I will not become as you are sloppy and unwanted painfully denying all the pain I have caused. I will not be like you. 

and that about does it. sorry to be so brief!!