Saturday, December 14, 2013

miraculously enough my knee hi converse from seventh grade still fit on my monstrous calves

Monday, December 9, 2013

The virtual cat's purring makes me miss my real kitty....

my baby kitty.
Gena's around 12 now but she's still my baby. I lay with her every night in bed, I allow her to sleep next to my face.

When I'm away from her, I feel sadder at night.

guess who?

A girl who rips people off, is a vapid bitch who photoshops herself into oblivion and is generally a fucking little parasite that encourages EDs in girls?


I wish my parents would stop overfeeding me

My father says the reason why I feel bloated is because I don't eat enough.

But i'm inclined to believe it is, in fact, because he is overfeeding me.

39 kg, in my nightmares

the fact that Hyuna weighed less than my sister, who is exceedingly thin, while being slightly shorter than her, during Bubble Pop! promotions is just another reason for me to hate the kpop industry

Hyuna at about 45 kg, her body is scary and you can see the bitch's ribs, but at 39 she looked skeletal I bet. So glad I never watched any BP perfs. I think I would have had the desire to throw up my lunch.

Not because of the anorexic state of her body, but because of my uncontrollable desire to be thinner, thinnest, nothing. one day maybe I'll just wither away from being too thin.

Thinspo just needs to be removed from the internet. then maybe I won't feel so fat.

UhOhBro - More Like Uh Oh, I Just Lost Half My Followers - Onision's Bullshit #9000

the other reason why I'm feeling like a worthless fat sack of burlap is Onision, who once again, has exceeded my expectations in Douchebaggery.

just when you think it can't get any worse, it does.

See, he made two videos about cutting. These included very triggering images, the same types of images that have urged me to almost relapse in the past. He talked about, in both videos, how he thought all cutters were selfish and attention seeking, and that because they aren't starving, homeless or severely ill like Children in Africa, they shouldn't be anything but happy.

This guy has obviously never heard of a mental illness. Depression can be hereditary, and you are, more often than not, likely to have it if your intermediate family does. My mother is depressed. And bipolar. She doesn't admit how she feels openly and I rarely see her cry, but she is clearly sad underneath her happy exterior. And you know what? I'm sad too. I don't know why I started feeling sad, maybe I was born that way. From the time I was about 6 I was a very timid, shy child who really didn't seem to enjoy much in life. That's why, at age 8, I was forced into a therapist appointment and, you guessed it, given depression meds meant for adults.
My depression wasn't intentional. I didn't make it happen. It JUST HAPPENED. I didn't choose to take the meds, I was perscribed them. Years later, I had to have another perscription filed in order to help my anxiety. This shit can be inherited. I never asked to be a mental mess, it just happens to be in my DNA.
Depression and anxiety can stem from many other different things. bullying, having no self worth, EDs, general lack of happiness, etc. 

It's fucking ironic that this man, who claimed that he put a gun to his head, who claimed he had chronic depression, who claimed he would help the depressed; is mocking cutters and the depressed. This liar was never depressed. He clearly does NOT understand the feelings of a person with depression, otherwise, he would not be belittling the young men and women who slit their wrists.

As a former cutter, the video really made me ill. Like, literally, my stomach was churning. I started sobbing like a baby three quarters through the video.

Greg, we may not come from the poverty stricken background that the children in Africa do, but that does not mean that we can't, or rather, that we DON'T, have problems. Everyone has problems. For many it is not easy to overcome their problems.

Don't talk like you know about cutting. You were never a cutter. I refuse to believe you were depressed. Don't talk like you know the thousands of men and women who watch the blood drip down their wrists everyday. You don't.

Your access to the internet should be revoked, you fucking cunt.

cassie you are to fucking blame

sorry girl, but as a close friend, I must pass the blame onto you for showing me shmegeh's blog. I mean, no offense, it's just that, every time I go there, I feel like she impacts me negatively, and further reinforces my once nearly Ana status. And that's bad. 

My childhood friend recently ended up in the hospital with an ED and acc to my sister if I don't stop being obsessive with my body (which she says is a less severe ED itself) then I'm next. I don't think i'm next. It's just that, when I run across the likes of Michelle and Felice I feel very worthless compared to them, and ugly. In spite of them being sticks they still manage to keep a very pretty face. Meanwhile I'm just this bulbous nosed, round faced mutant creature.

K-Pop just makes me feel inferior .it's the bodies. it's the faces. it's the popiness and happiness of it all that makes me want to suffer. Suffering while they live their slave contract lives out with plenty of money, even if they're fucking miserable; knowing that they will amount to more than I ever will depresses me.

I literally cried my ass off last night like a fucking baby over all this shit.