Saturday, April 27, 2013

I feel like an ugly asswipe, what can I say, and Swimming Animu!

Besides the fact that despite losing even more weight since the last time I posted (115.8- inb4 food - lbs now T^T oh god I haven't weighed this much since seventh grade, somebody pinch me) i still feel fat, hideous, bloated, and stupid. Generally, like an asswipe.

I'm annoyed by my anxiety, I forgot to take my meds last week and practically gave myself a heart attack spazzing at my own fucking dog after she left some watery shit in the dining room nobody ever uses, and cleaning up her puke a day before that. I've become dependent on those idiotic pills, I take them everyday, and if I don't, there's an obvious change in my level of anxiety. My hands tremor, my voice is more high pitched, sometimes I can't sit still. It's a repeat of middle school me…

Sometimes I ask myself if I'm actually sane. Because if General Anxiety Disorder is considered to be a mental problem? Then I suppose I'm slightly crazy.
It doesn't help that I've been unofficially and probably not properly - diagnosed (though by shit doctors *cough cough* Elementary School counselor) with other disorders (not listing *cough cough* for personal reasons and for the sake of my internet life, if I reveal anything, I'll no doubt be mocked by drooling 4chan scum who spend all day in their mommy's basements and ironically, most likely suffer from similar disorders themselves)
I feel like people often associate disorders in general with appearance. Disfigured body / facial features; or stupid behavior and mannerisms. Looking at the likes of killers, people who have shot up schools (ahem, Crazy Eyed Adam Lanza, his picture occasionally haunts my nightmares), basement dwelling pricks (Chris Chandler, a waste of taxpayer money and human life who lives off of nothing but fattening cuisine, writes and illustrates poorly drawn sonic comics, and is an annoying little gnat who makes me lose faith in humanity), etc.

This is why I despise people. So stereotypical of things.

I'm just really irritated right now. I don't want to eat lunch anymore. I've been waking and falling asleep at the same time since a year and a half ago. Now I find myself blacking out at 10 AM and waking up again at 11.

I'm out of sync.

The only okay thing that's happened recently is that I've met more irl buddies, who seem like good, funny people. I also recently (today actually) learned that Swimming Anime, a tumblr fandom that I am a part of (if you want to know what swimming anime is, it was originally a commercial by the wondrous Kyoto Animation, starring very well built, shirtless, bishonen swimmers) is to be adapted into a real anime. I admit, I'm pretty happy about it, as I love Kyoani and am glad they're going in a different direction (I like moe, but I can only take so much sappy cute girls doing cute things before my head explodes) like they sort of did with Hyouka; and creating a sports anime revolving around guys (whether it will involve lots of swimming or not or just mainly school life, I'm unsure), targeted to a different demographic.

Okay, that was surprisingly happy. I guess I like swimming anime a bit, uh, too much, or enough to talk about it for like a paragraph.

But other than that, I do feel strange. Maybe I'm PMSing or some shit.

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