Sunday, August 14, 2016

X's trashy ass...

"I don't create problems, I solve them."

yes, you, the thirty year old pedophile basement dweller who still lives with mommy and daddy and hasn't advanced beyond such a lowly position, who nobody likes at all and everyone barely tolerates, are not the "problem", you apparently "solve" them?

call me when you stop lying, hideous fraud.

see kids, this is why i started carrying pepper spray. he still thinks he can talk to me outside of work setting, he must be delusional.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

additional update on X

it's amazing how nulled my tastebuds are when i'm sick, it's almost like one minute they've had a reawakening, but the next, they can hardly detect sugar or saltiness, let alone flavor. Either way, I just chowed down an icepop and....

oh wait, you wanted to hear more about the creep, right?

well, okay... in other work related news that should surprise no one, X is shockingly, proving to have creepier vibes about him, and my fellow coworker who is also getting weirded on by him 'subtly', K, came out with more disturbing news.

apparently K, who unlike me, does not just look underage, but is actually underage, has had X reportedly follow her out to her vehicle. She didn't really give mass detail beyond that, but I believe her, because once again, we seem to have a similar type of appearance, pale with long, dark hair, brown eyes, and fairly small frames.

So now that this guy has an established ''type" of young looking jailbait, reverse jailbait, girls that'll land him in jail- besides looking like he just stepped out of a To Catch a Predator pictorial as part of Your Momma's Basement magazine to stand outside high schools and take upskirt shots- I can say, wholeheartedly, that I am going to mace him if he approaches me again.

Besides repeatedly staring at me with a lolling, weird expression from wherever he seems to stand on the shifts I do work with him (let's see, I've caught him doing it outside of the store, inside the store, and when passing me, and every time, I just want to take one of the customer's objects and thrust it at his ugly face), he seems to have gotten the message to avoid me, but he won't stop avoiding K because K doesn't want to trouble anyone and won't tell him boldly, at least, in the manner that I did, to fuck offffff.

Oh, also, he never asked any coworkers but teenage girls thus far to go out to 'dinner' with him, even if it's just to linger around and get takeout, and that in itself made me want to vomit. So yeah, roundabout back to feeling used by some weirdo who gets off on going on fakedates or something with teenage girls because he's too creepy to get an actual women his own fucking age.

At least Nasujima was hot, for crying out loud. Fictitious psychos ofc are fucking fictional, but foreal, encountering creeps irl makes me want to smash some walls.

Just sack this guy already. Like, he lives with mommy and daddy in a big ass house, he can mooch off them for the rest of his life, as he's clearly doing now, he can afford not to be there, the rest of us don't really find him to be anything but a pathetic worm.

disordered venting #125016





 "Each and every person is full of misunderstandings."

 

today I stared at a bottle of codine cough medicine from two years ago, that'd been unopened for at least one year, the last instance I had the flu. It's expired by over a year at this point. I played with a lot of knives, I had to dislodge them from my chest and my back, from my eyes and my ears. One segment of my life in its entirety felt like I was sinking in tightening mud, as wounds bled out, and even though I don't wish to reminisce, sometimes I have to, the good and the bad, from who I was in the past. And I stare at the syrup, inhale its smell as I take the last bits to ail my current condition of combined conjunctivitis & respiratory inflammation, gulp it down, savor its bitterness, hoping to one day stomach much worse emotional bitterness with some level of fucking decency. Maybe I sit here with a dry cough insomniac, wondering why I'm waiting for my life to proceed in the same way, as my father gripes at me for tortoise speed advancement. Not my fault I'm in a lull, i'm just crazy. Today was Murphy's Law Day, in accordance with the fabled concept that everything that could've gone wrong, it did. Nigh everything was of course, somehow not an improvement. He blew a tire, had to walk to the house, when the spare was revealed to be flat, later the axel broken, he walked to the house and I sat trembling the air conditioning, wishing to just escape elsewhere, instantly, or surrender to the sleeplessness that'd been gnawing at me since 9am when I was dragged to the doctor's and given two shots to my lower hips. Maybe the expired cough syrup is symbolically representative of my life, bitterly empty, once useful, but currently not very much so, as I lie about in a state of illness waiting for something to just come down and free me from the constant coughing that becomes emptier by the day, devoid of purpose other than to symbolize the weakness of my lungs. Maybe karma, after two years, has decided I'm not forgivable enough, and also christened me with the pleasant gift of pinkeye to emphasize. It's not fair that after all I've done I can just go back to being sick, bitchy Audrey that wants to choke everything, it's not right, and I don't know. I thought I was too good for this. Ha ha, I'm rambling again. I monologue like a freak. Fucking shitstain. I'm a fucking stain.

Friday, July 29, 2016

when no one listens anymore

there's no use talking at all.

--
i've spent twenty years on my wasted life. i swear to god. like here i am with phlegm trickling down my throat, waiting to be regurgitated as yellowish goop. i swear, if i get pneumonia again, i may actually die. the whole bronchial pain of having chest congestion that feels like it's dribbling into your chest and gurgling in your esophagus. fuck me, my father won't take me to the doctor, and when i think it's improving, i wake the next day and it's strengthened to near vomiting levels.

well, most of it feels like it's contained to my chest. my voice sounds strained, harsh, deepened and scratchy. my palate has been relinquished to the disgust of blandness and spit. I can't taste anything. My birthday was two days ago, I worked 8 hours the next day, roughly. My manager grunted incoherently at me when I begged him to shorten me thirty minutes. It kinda hurts that this happened now, and I don't know why.

Monday, July 4, 2016

by the grace of booze, I hate this holiday

There is a guy at my work who I am absolutely ready to sock in his punchable face. Let's call him Coworker X to avoid any confrontational admittance that could lead to my canning. Confidentiality is a bitch, but hey, that's life. I guess if I get sacked from my $7.65 an hour because I confront the nerves I have about a guy who could potentially harass me in the future, so be it.

Coworker X is truly the coworker in my new work environment who has admittedly unsettled me the most. And I am not a person who is so easily unsettled, as someone who listens to stories of horror in the latter hours of the night, as someone who is fascinated by psychological imbalance in fiction, as someone who is admittedly off kilter myself, I do not find myself so easily freaked.

But boooy, coworker X. This is the exception through & through.

X is of indeterminate age, but older than me at the current time by around 5-10 years if I were to estimate by physicality alone, still living with mommy and daddy and unable to drive due to supposed epilepsey diagnosis. X's social life is about as nonexistent as my own, but considerably such a factoid is creepier given what I allege his age to be. I'm in my late teens, for reference.

Now, that's not necessarily the main component of my suspicion towards the type of person X is, because what unsettles me the most about X isn't environment or what I know of his history, it is his mannerisms.

Although I am certainly far from attracted to that old, gross, short man's appearance. If he eeeever thinks he has a chance with me, he's sorely mistaken. And if he ever tries anything on me, he's getting fended off in the most agonizingly painful way possible for him, whether it be verbal or physical.

X's voice is almost always devoid of any emotional investment whatsoever, yet beneath the dryness, there is always this slight glint of malice that creeps its way through his dialogue that I feel as if can be heard more clearly every time he speaks, and it sends chills up my spine. When I first met X about a month ago, this was not such an issue, but overtime definitely became the defining weirdness to him, and is now about as grating as sandpaper on my eardrums. Secondarily, X's comments. Now, I am a female, and I work at a place where there are other females, but alas, I am a decent enough looking female that I have gotten some complimentary notes from male coworkers, it's not so much of a big deal, and then there's X.

Now I don't know if this is X's own level of social retardation casting through his densely weird as fuck exterior, if I'm overreacting, or if this is actually concerning to anyone else, but X is prone to rather.... ambiguously weird comments.

It's not such an issue seemingly if someone else brings it up, for example, the other day, my flexibiliity, but X's comments somehow manage to make me shudder internally for some apparant reason. What kind of guy in all seriousness would tell you that you have a 'pretty steady or sturdy' or some word of the like figure, without it seeming weird. Yeah. That. Also, he does other seriously weird things like compliment my niceness towards children, even after admitting that I do have disdain for them, and never want to have any. Whether or not his commentary that I find to be weird could be interpreted as flirtation or not, it's still obviously discomforting to me, as I do not like being even slightly advanced on by a guy who I've clearly specified I don't have any interest in.

Hell, the few times I did eat somewhere with him, it was purely out of boredom, and offered to drive his ass home, it was purely because at the time, I was a noobie and the only person to talk to was that phaggot. Now, all I can think is "ew, I'm not touching you, no, I don't want that, get away."

Something about him somehow just screams "ulterior intent". It's mostly contained in the way he speaks and acts, perhaps, as well as the ambigiuty of his commentary, the fact that it seems almost creepily attempted flirting, but isn't precisely, and that's where I begun to draw the line. Unfortunately, like almost every person I too quickly talked to in my lifetime, I told the piece of shit too much personally about my life, and unfortunately, this has resulted in what seems to be my current situation. All I want to do is throw one of my cans at him that comes down my belt and conk him in the fucking temple hard enough to induce an amnesia that spans longer than me. Every other one of my coworkers has flaws I can overlook, because I personally see them as being fairly innocuous in their interaction with me, but with him, I always feel like part of me is being somehow felt up by his eyes or something. It's fucking horrible as hell, I don't know why.

I think either I'm slowly deteriorating to crazy, because nobody else seems to feel this towards him, and nobody else is exactly around that I can confide in, but ten again, I wonder if anyone even has been subject to the same thing, like, has anyone else even eaten or talked to the dude outside work or something? even my father I'm scared to tell, and nothing is overtly being done that I can report. However, personally, you cannot exactly say "fuck off, you fucking cunt, fuck off, do not be my bagger, do not talk to me, do not speak to me, just have a few utterances of what you need done, and if I catch you staring at any of my body parts, I am going to gouge your corneas out of your skull with a melon baller." without being subject to reprimand. Worse come to worse, he was talking to another female coworker of mine, around my age, recently, and she's also very cute, younger than me presumably, possibly underage. With things like that, I do wonder if she'll be okay or start to feel a tad.... uncomfortable.

Either way, X is the brand of man, in all honesty, that I can see slicing up people's throats in their sleep for fun based on what I have seen from him, and acting very, very erratically when rejected. That's why i'm trying to feign ignorance right now. If I do maybe the weirdness will stop. I don't want to feel like I'm crazy for having this discomfort, I don't want to feel like a femnazi again because I'll be accused of overreacting if I tell anyone like my father, I don't want to tell my boss or anyone else, and if there's no escalation and it just continues painfully, what can I do? I drank like a fish for a bit tonight, I didn't want to confront it, I cried in the work bathroom for five minutes before forcing myself to regain composure, I didn't want him to have to be near me again, I was honestly freaked that anything at any moment could escalate to sexual harassment. All I was ever taught in my adolescence by my straw feminist mother is that men were either out to ogle, rape, or maim me somehow, or that they were somehow the most important thing in the world. These days with guys like these, I lean more towards the former. Stalked on MAL and borderline doxxed by some creep from Germany, who purely did it out of lust for nothing but my fucking selfies, and then constantly having him harass me thereafter with attempted justification for his actions, and now the coworker who I can't shake and just want to leave me alone because NO, I AM NOT INTO YOU, I DO NOT LIKE YOU THAT WAY, AND BY GOD DUDE, YOU FUCKING REPULSE ME. Coworker X, kindly fuck off. By the graces of god, I got off a fucking hour early so I didn't have to potentially have another hour of wanting to anvil soda boxes atop his bloody head pretending to be nicer to customers, who I actually do want to give decent service, but not with the distraction of the creepass dwarf standing all but five feet away from me possibly eyeing my tits or ass. Fuck. Can't exactly get him fired now, can I? Can't exactly say "I don't want to talk to you, but you make me feel like you're going to mince me to salami in my sleep if I don't talk to you,, so I keep forcing myself to talk to you, but if I talk to you in the most coarsely rude way possible, perhaps you will fuck offffff".

I'm so sick of internally screaming at myself. If he ever sexually harasses me overtly I'm gonna assure he's fired so promptly that he won't even see another scheduled work day before it happens. Fuck off, X. I've decided you're a nuisance. Leeeeave. Me.... and my underage looking ass, aloooone.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Unpopular Durarara!! Opinions - Volume 2: Izaya Orihara sucks

There is a statement I will stand by for the remainder of my life and always stash to keep as a reference for later: popularity does not amount to quality, which is why subjectivity exists. just because the majority seem to be in unanimous agreement that something is good, does not mean it actually is good to all. For there will always be at least one disdained with that particular thing who believes it doesn't deserve the popularity it gets or the right to exist whatsoever.

And nowhere is this theory more painfully highlighted than in the case of Durarara!! and one of its most famed characters, Izaya Orihara. I hate Izaya Orihara with almost every fiber in my being, nowhere in any other series have I ever examined a supposed antagonist and been so underwhelmingly saddened by what could have been or what could have replaced him. In a series of ensemble, the only thing that keeps Izaya afloat at all is the supporting cast, and Shizuo, perhaps, who is another one of those characters I would categorize as 'overrated', but at least he has some sort of crisis...

Unimpressive, with an irksome personality that makes me want to break my drywall, a droll backstory, and a design that resembles a weasel on the prowl for small mammalia to pin, Izaya Orihara from the beginning was never someone who truly caught me in any sort of captivation, only a character that existed as safe villainous fodder while the real deviants worked their magic in the darkness of each arc. In a series that was supposed to be dark, he was not light, but he was hardly pitched black. He was at best, dimly lit at all times. Generic.

Morally corrupt in many ways he may be, but in his execution of character, every action of his that's supposed to be nefarious only comes across as irritatingly bland. Izaya simply is not tragic enough in a story that embodies so much of it, mentally ill seemingly without purpose and eternally cheery without even the slightest bit of disruption or event horizon, this consistency and staleness throughout completely soils any potential his character did have, and makes him seem incredibly hateful and disinteresting to boot. None of his arcs were any of my favored, and despite him having some pivitol role, I always thought him to be replaceable.  Nasujima, perhaps, would've been a grittier choice, but too offensive for the youngsters to digest.

A textbook example of a safe villain with no exciting past or tragedy, Izaya's supposed 'coolness' may capture the attention of some, but to my sense of taste, is nothing but pretentiousness wrapped up in what happens to be an equally pretentious design that still is somehow astonishingly meh. He never has any climaxes or arcs where he learns anything, he tends to escape unscathed or with minor beatings, until the final act where he's finally dealt some form of karmatic justice, even if it unfortunately does not end his life and existence in its entirety. I for one am not a fan of subtlety, but Izaya's brand of what was supposed to be 'subtlety' to me is projected in such a way that I simply cannot find in my heart the sympathy or the care to want him to win, live, or contribute. The story would be on perhaps better footing with less dragging out of arcs if a more tragic villain swept in to replace the bore, and thirteen volumes wouldn't be as excessive and towards the end, lousily paced as they were, if not for a little diddy with the initials IO.

Simply put, there are much, much better examples of villainy in fiction than Izaya, which is why it's so shocking that he is highly ranked as he is. In almost all senses I undeniably am repulsed or bored by him. He's a dumb broad with some level of luck whose supposed mental illness was improbably brought on by boredom in a nonsensically booooring backstory that explains nothing of value and wastes pages. A yawnfest. Total yawnfest. Nasujima deserved to overtake him, man. He really did.

me & netizenbuzz: censorship extravaganza

the neverending retardation that is netizenbuzz is what used to keep me slightly entertained when i first discovered its cesspool of a comment section that even satan would be calling 'excessive', but that slowly dissipated with time.

contrarily to my past bans from sites for being too much of a politically correct ninny, seventhstyle being the primary example (even if most of its views were garbage from my subjective standpoint, not for the same reasons that i previously stated during my phase of idiocy, but rather because their taste was utter shit and their articles often focused on worthless ecchi series while trashing decent shows).... netizenbuzz, whether it be run by a sole mod or a group of idiots, banned me for being too 'incorrect' for the site's taste.

Of course, when I read the site's "FAQ" section that I had never viewed prior, things became appallingly clear, with the usage of typical tumblr buzzwords like 'ableist' that the mod(s) swung towards the radicalist left, that of which I happen to absolutely despise.

The main argument that got me banned was a little diddy about how people are oversensitive and conditioned little pussies who shit their pants at the slightest usage of a word they consider to be offensive, the word in question being 'dyke'. Now, I'm not exactly going to defend usage of it, but on the web, and in real life, like all offensive terms, it'll eventually  be heard and the usage of it is beyond a person's control unless they wish to language police the world surrounding them by yelling abruptly and rudely at anyone who uses it in their presence, which would ultimately make them look like loons who need to be strapped to a padded wall. I myself am not a user of the word, the worst I've gone as far as what whiners will arguably call 'homophobic slurs' is using faggot in the internet context, or using fag at the end of a word to symbolize a particular infatuation with something (I'm a Nasujimafag, for example). Thus, I am not guilty of it, all i've done is say that people's free speech is technically theirs, and that censorship does not solve squat.

The initial argument that had absolutely nothing to do with the article itself was from a user titled 'bo han', who'd proceeded to lapse into a 'your fave is problematic' styled listing of the wrongdoings of jennifer lawrence, when a fan proceeded to say that she like jlaw. I can't really remember what the article was about precisely, nor is that the issue. The issue is, I per se, called out (man, how I hate using that term, because most callouts, see "your fave is problematic" styled arguments for primary callout bait) said user for resorting to such petty tactics in attempt to defame her, and to bring it up when it had absolutely nothing to do with the fan's commentary was quite inappropriate, even if perhaps in a ruder and more coarsely worded way than I would've preferred, and continuing this string of comments eventually got me banned after I called said user something along the lines of a spineless pussy who couldn't handle the web fully, living in her pathetically censored bubble. And honestly, to this day, I do not take that statement back.

Sheesh, the amount of teenagers and regressive adults trapped in childhood believing that their haughtiness and absorption into a cute little circle of safe, squishy, clouded space that doesn't represent the real world at all is pretty fucking heinous. The fact that into their twenties, students are still believers in safe spaces, naptime, harsh punishment for speech they're slightly offended by, or people refuting their left equivalent of the radicalist bullshit from the right is pretty infuriating. My generation is a set of oversensitive pussies who can't accept reality for what it is, so they must confine themselves to one online that's blandly conditioning them to paranoia that everything and everyone is an enemy or oppressor that's out to get them and that they are something that they're not. And it's all one harmful, enormous circlejerk that never advances them to higher stages of maturity, or considerable growth.

This is all honestly coming from someone who leans more leftly, that far left radicals are just as toxic as their right counterparts, no matter how the two refuse to acknowledge their connections, their centralized goals are structured the same; just squander anyone who disagrees with you, because you're always goddamn right, and everyone else is crazy. and if you really want to, censor them. it's their right as human beings to be offended by even satirically caustic statements from the viewpoint they disagree with, so thus, it must be their right to censor it.

Well, just further proof we're going to hell in a handbasket. I can't even try and say that people shouldn't be offended by one usage of one word that's considered to be 'incorrect', even in a nonoffensive or even an ignorant way, perhaps a way where it was taken out of context- let alone on the fucking internet, where everyone is purposely offensive for the sake of being offensive, without being socially scolded for it. Kalukafuckinglayyyy.

Well, I'd expect nothing less from those who identify with a nonexisting gender in a nonexisting fantasy world with their nonexisting sexuality on the tumblr spectrum being trapped somewhere between 'confused' and 'completely and utterly braindead'.